Listening to the "what if's"

The past several months have been a challenge mentally, emotionally and spiritually in ways that I couldn't have prepared for, despite being psychic and peripherally knowing that something was going to happen. Something always does.
Each time I sat at my desk, fully intending to write and keep up with more than garden posts (however marvelous those posts are!) I couldn't bring myself to actually type the following words that danced around, "My daughter miscarried her first child the week my dog died". It was too triggering, too sad. I'd sit with a blinking cursor and have to get up from my office space and do something else. But now, with a week or so left of 2024, it's time to wrap it up. Tears and all.

The Big Guy and I had a busy summer. We attended a gathering called "The Fairy Congress" in the woods of Oregon where we camped out for a week with incredibly intelligent ecowarriors and ate mostly vegetarian while attending workshops and serving up Alchemy Stones for visual snacks.

I was also featured on an episode of Beyond Belief at Gaia TV with my old friend, George Noory. It was available for viewing in September.

I wasn't really happy with the released finished product/episode, but if you want to watch it, feel free to look it up at their website. This particular program highlights some of the personal supernatural and paranormal experiences I've had with portals and gateways. They put me up at the St. Julien in Boulder, Colorado, for the taping in May, which was worth any of the hassle of delayed flights and botched interviews. I'm a sucker for good room service, including that extra special "night time" extravagant touch when your robe is laid out with slippers and a chocolate placed on your pillow.

We rallied the troops at my local Unity Church and had a spectacular "Into The Mystic" Psychic Fair as a fundraiser, and I spoke at The UFO/Paranormal Conference in Ocean Shores where the Big Guy always has his best sales for his incredible art.

But ...there was always this undercurrent of loss behind all the laughter, the deep conversations, new kittens and gardening. There were more quiet moments where I held my daughter for hours in my arms, wondering if she would ever be able to rise above the loss of her unborn baby. She carried her for nearly three months and in the fourth month, little Valerie left us. My girl was devastated. Her sweet wee pug was a constant companion though... and thank God for that, because my daughter's husband didn't know how to grieve on his own either. They have been together for over ten years, two of them married. I was (and continue to be) amazed at how well they have managed their lives. Far better than I ever did but I feel they lack in communicating their strongest and deepest needs. Most of all, for each other. He would be lost without her, and she him.

The months went along, our lives interconnecting and twining always gently nudging, "Hey, you okay out there?" and then my daughter told me, through trembles and tears, "I'm pregnant again ... but mom, what if ..."

I listened to the "what if's".

I still listen to the "what if's" and each milestone of success she has brings us a little more joy, a little more anticipation of the brighter "what if's".

She came to spend Solstice with me (Christmas is with her hubs and hims family) and the last three days have been quiet hours reading, shopping and snacking together. I've cherished every moment. My son brought her here from Seattle, he's spending the next couple of weeks with us before his next big adventure. He's the last of my three children to remain single and evidently, devoted to being single?

I have three grandchildren I barely know on the other side of the United States, they belong to my oldest, who is with a woman who refuses to move closer to us despite our collective pleas.

We await our newest addition (arriving this Spring) with deep longing, and prayers. None so deep as his mother's prayers though. They've named him Wyatt. Each time he did a cartwheel over the weekend she would grab my hand to place on her growing womb and we'd chuckle together. The "what if's" temporarily forgotten.

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