My state of being lately had returned to much tension and turmoil. A relationship breakup that had followed the same exact pattern as the ones before in my life left me with the feeling that there was no solution for me, that I wasn't worthy of being loved and that no matter my efforts, this was the only outcome possible.
As it always is with these things, you can either break or use them to upgrade. Gratefully, I chose the latter without spending too much time on laments. I researched relationships, attachment styles, family trauma, etc. But what really got me to start feeling change was this video:
I liked his approach because he placed attention in the body. We tend to think everything is mental and thought-based, but the body is also filled with information, and if we don't work with that, then it can turn against us. I already knew this a bit, but somehow, now it clicked harder and has led me to leading all my efforts to regulating my nervous system.
For a long time, I've been obsessed with shadow work, with painfully sitting to observe my wounds and feeling the discomfort. But now I realize that this has been amplyfing them, giving them more power, and the years pass without feeling true healing. For the first time in my life, I'm beginning to feel what feels good and right within me, and in a short time, I am beginning to feel calmer.
All this leads me to feel gratitude for the hardships that led me to this process as there's a sensation that life isn't so wicked and twisted as it seemed, rather it just guiding me to this state of self-awareness that is filled with tenderness and appreciation for the beauty that resides within me. I now feel there is a logic to the way I have experienced life and that there is a clear path to moving forward to a better future.