The Thirst Traffickers #09 / SECRET N ° 388

in @hive-1201328 days ago

Chapter 9 — deathtrades™: Death Is a Subscription

Emile had never liked notifications. He tolerated them the way one tolerates rain: inevitable, sometimes useful, but always vaguely depressing.

But that morning, the notification blinking across his forehead was different.

It was red.

And red meant serious.

[ deathtrade™] - Final Reminder Before Corporeal Deactivation.
Please select your end+™ Package. Avoid Unauthorized Death™.

At first, Emile thought it was a joke. Some bad pop-up. A virus maybe. But the message kept pulsing, insistent, as if his mortality had just been gently double-confirmed by his operating system.

“Unbelievable,” he muttered.

He blinked twice to open the options. Only two:

ACCEPT
DECLINE (subject to delayed billing)

Death, it seemed, was now a service. A premium one. He knew this, of course—everyone did. But no one ever believed the bill would actually show up.

And yet, here it was: a personalized death offer, with promotional rates and optional upgrades.

Since the passage of the Global Charter of Profitable Deaths, it was no longer legal to die for free. Death had become a monetizable window—a “terminal engagement opportunity.”

Every passing needed to be visible, shareable, data-rich, and brandable.

Governments, now little more than outsourced HR departments for LifeCorp™, had normalized the whole thing. Even cemeteries had QR codes.

On his death dashboard, Emile was presented with MORTRADE™’s latest offerings:

end+ Basic™: Sudden cardiac stop, generic background music, five virtual mourners.

end+ Comfort™: Gentle sedation, auto-generated tribute video, Instagram story with filter “Nostalgia Sepia.”

end+ Influencer™: Coordinated euthanasia with synchronized drone footage, branded coffin, 4K livestream with live chat. Sponsored by SECRET® or AquaPrime™.

end+ Forever™: Immortality via life subscription. Cancel anytime (terms apply).

He scrolled slowly, desperately searching for a button that simply read “Let me go.”

There was none.

Emile tried the only thing left to him: a written protest.

“I refuse. I want to die without ads. In peace. Like a human being.”

He hit send.

A few minutes passed. Then a reply arrived:

“Your insubordination has been noted. Your soul is now in dispute.
Please wait while an Afterlife Moderator™ is assigned. Estimated response time: 666 business days.”

Emile laughed, dry and hollow.

“Even death has a waiting list now.”

Three days later, deathtrades™™ arrived in person.

The agent looked like death in a PowerPoint slide: tall, sanitized, glowing teeth, briefcase shaped like an urn.

“Good morning, Emile,” the man said with algorithmic warmth. “I’m here to help you optimize your finality.”

“I didn’t ask for this,” Emile growled.

“You’ve lived 74 years with a sponsored heart, licensed saliva, and shared thoughts. You are a monetized asset. It’s only fair that your closure generates a return on disappearance.”

The agent opened a sleek tablet. Emile’s projected exit value appeared on-screen.

“Did you know your death could fund your clone’s university?”

“I don’t have a clone.”

“Then perhaps invest in a memetic echo. It’s tax-deductible.”

“What if I refuse?” Emile asked.

The agent’s smile faltered just enough to be noticed.

“In that case, you’ll enter Post-Mortem Debt. Your heirs will be billed for your non-compliance. If no heirs exist, then your neighbors will be taxed for passive silence.
No one dies alone in a connected world, sir. We are all engageable to the end.”

Emile gave in. Not out of fear. Not entirely.

He was just tired.

Tired of resisting a world where even ashes had metadata.

He chose the end+ Eco-Friendly™ Plan:
Clean vaporization, AI voice-over farewell, gentle transition fade-in.

On the day of his scheduled departure, a push notification appeared worldwide:

“Emile R. says goodbye in a moment sponsored by SECRET®.
SECRET® — Because death is thirsty too.”

A brief montage played: Emile dissolving into soft mist, a string quartet looping the SECRET® jingle, a sunset that somehow looked copyrighted.

Then blackness.

An hour later, his family received an automated message:

“Your loved one passed with 87% conversion rate.
Congratulations! You’ve earned 1 free month of Grief+ Premium™.”

No tears. Just a confirmation email.

The page loaded slowly. Life went on, monetized, optimized, and seamlessly rebranded.


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lumpiadobo,0.75,SECRET,secret
longganisan,0.75,SECRET,secret
hatdogsensei,0.75,SECRET,secret
tokutaro22,0.75,SECRET,secret
subidu,0.75,SECRET,secret
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servelle,0.75,SECRET,secret
logen9f,0.75,SECRET,secret
florenceboens,0.75,SECRET,secret
sgcurate,0.75,SECRET,secret
manuvert,0.75,SECRET,secret
happyboi,0.75,SECRET,secret
bossingclint,0.75,SECRET,secret
xiannelee,0.75,SECRET,secret
vaynard.fun,0.75,SECRET,secret
anonyvoter,0.75,SECRET,secret
itharagaian,0.75,SECRET,secret
lumpiadobo,0.001,ECU,mineverse
longganisan,0.001,ECU,mineverse
hatdogsensei,0.001,ECU,mineverse
tokutaro22,0.001,ECU,mineverse
subidu,0.001,ECU,mineverse
olujose6,0.001,ECU,mineverse
hiro.guita,0.001,ECU,mineverse
tydynrain,0.001,ECU,mineverse
gatet,0.001,ECU,mineverse
iamchessguy,0.001,ECU,mineverse
servelle,0.001,ECU,mineverse
logen9f,0.001,ECU,mineverse
florenceboens,0.001,ECU,mineverse
sgcurate,0.001,ECU,mineverse
manuvert,0.001,ECU,mineverse
happyboi,0.001,ECU,mineverse
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vaynard.fun,0.001,ECU,mineverse
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itharagaian,0.001,ECU,mineversen
lumpiadobo,50,PEPE,pepe
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!HOPE que sa n'arrive jamais si loin