I have come to realize something about human beings, especially when you're in pain and don't know how you're going to get out, and I think it's something that you never really know until you're in such a position to really require more than just words. People seem to show pity in a way that looks sincere from afar, but on close examination you sees that not everyone who appears with genuine support really does care about your predicament.
When you're sitting in the dark, drowning in sorrow and uncertainty, waiting for something that could help you find a way out, many people will come to you with something that appears to be light. They will offer you consolation and try their best to make sure they sound reassuring, but you will quickly come to notice that the very act of their coming did not touch the essence of your pain, instead it only served to briefly occupy your space before they leave with their empty consolations and no intention of helping you get out of the situation.
Don't get me wrong, I agree it is good to have people to confide in during tough times, I'm not denying that, but what keeps replaying over and over in my head is how many of those people actually care about the predicament you're going through rather than just showing up for a moment? Because the thing is, in my experience, many people only shows up because they wish to maintain good relations with you and not because they empathize with what you are going through.
What surprises me more than anything is that sometimes, it's friends, family members and even blood relatives.
I had an experience very recently which truly made me realize this fact even more, as a result of losing my job and going through such critical medical challenges, I have had many people come to offer words of support, or in the form of actual physical visits, and at first glance, it did seem as if I had a lot of people who cares about me. As I continued interacting with some of them, however, I started to observe something.
Mostly the conversations would be:
"Be strong".
"It will be alright".
"Don't give up, you're a man".
I knew that whatever they were saying was meant to be encouraging, but somehow it just did not seem to resonate with my personal state of mind, they were mere words of sympathy rather than a genuine understanding of what I was going through, offering no solution for what lay ahead.
But of course there was that one person that did something different.
My elder sister came visiting and for the next three hours, we talked, and the most amazing thing was that the topic wasn't centered around the situation, but on finding a way out of it; while I found myself lost and hopeless, she helped me visualize alternatives, while I had doubts, she gave me clarity, she did not just tell me to be strong; she gave me reasons why I should.
She went beyond the realm of merely speaking encouraging words. She gave me a tangible means of support, offered ideas that could help my situation, and let me know for certain that she would do whatever she could, with her own resources, and that experience made me re-evaluate what it actually mean to care for someone.
People who genuinely care for others do not just come to express pity, but they help you pull yourselves out of the mud you have landed yourself in; they do not just appear before you with a touch light and leave you in the darkness just like that, but they offer you something concrete you can hold on to in order to move forward; they do not just point in a certain direction but they walk with you till you understand and can make sense of where it leads.
This experience made me learn a very simple but important fact;
Not every one who appears before you cares about you, not every one who says kindly words empathizes with what you're going through, but when you have people who truly care about you, you will know for sure not because of the words you have heard, but because of the things they have done and the way they made you feel.
These are the kinds of people you really need.