Sometimes, when I am very upset, I can be relentless with my harsh words; it can be hard for me to keep quiet. Then, when I calm down I may regret some things I said, and even more how I said them, probably with resentment.
This attitude has brought me difficulties because I have hurt people who are important to me, or friendly to me. It is an attitude that over the years I have been taming a little, my character is usually mild, a little, but when I explode, I explode.
I have apologized more than once for having been hurtful, more than anything before it happened to me often, I remember that in my adolescence it happened to me a lot.
However, as an introspective person that I am, I have long since become aware that this attitude of self-defense often leaves me so sad and empty that I would like to simply rewind some moments and have done it differently.
It doesn't happen to me so much anymore, I have worked on myself for that, making myself aware of it, doing my part to improve, taking deep breaths, quieting down a bit, turning down the volume. Although I admit that it is still something that controls me sometimes, but I know that I can change it, I just have to put more effort and more awareness.
The first thing is to want to do it, that part is already done, now I need to make it a habit, to remain serene in any situation, to defend myself if necessary, without having to be hurtful or exaggerate with words, to be quiet when I start to get exasperated.
And it is not about becoming submissive, nor to shut up everything I want to say, but rather to act with serenity and poise, without getting my heart and breathing agitated, all that brings illness and brings toxic thoughts.
When I lose control I even feel ashamed with myself after the show and as I can't rewind the moment, I accept it and promise myself to do better for the next one, I don't like to stumble always with the same stone.
I know that with commitment and introspection I can tame that beast, that it doesn't really get that furious, or does it? because then it gets hurt, like an emotional self-flagellation, besides that kind of attitude damages relationships and some relationships in my life I treasure.
More awareness, more introspection, more commitment, more calm, more serenity, gives me the tranquility and peace that is vital in my life, I will be better with me and I will not damage relationships with people I care about just for a moment of impulsivity.
It is foolish not to use our power of decision, self-control and change for our well-being and improvement.