Marking 500 Philosophy Exam Papers Will Crush Your Soul | A Philosopher's Diaries

fermentedphil in #academia • last month

I did not know what I expected. But my situation is also not unique by all means. I am in fact luckier than others - but that then brings me back to the first statement: I did not know what I expected. My father is in academia, I have been in academia for a number of years, and I have been talking to others who are in similar positions than I am.

But then again, what did I expect?

I am struggling to find permanent employment in academia, and within my field work is so scarce even people with much more expertise and experience than me are struggle to find work - so what did I expect?

Due to this, and in trying to finish up my PhD, I am taking on work as much as I can find. Money is tight and we all need to eat something at the end of the night with a roof over our heads. In this, I am much more fortunate and lucky than others (caring families are rare these days but there are some out there).

So when I got the emails from various people asking me to help them with marking exam papers, I obviously said yes. By all means, send them over and I will help out - that is, the money looked good, so why not?

But I don't think people understand the soul crushing nature of marking philosophy papers. Math papers, and other monkey puzzle things are easier to mark. And again, I am not claiming that philosophy is all that different from others now, but philosophy is also in its own league.

The soul crushing nature of reading the nonsense that people can write is so bad that I would not want to force it onto my worst enemy.

Either way, the last couple of months drained everything from me. I got up early in the morning to mark papers, halfway through the day I worked on my PhD, and then again in the evenings while on video call with my fiance, I marked some more.

I did not have any energy left in my body, and I did not have any creativity left in me. I cannot remember when last I was this tired and overworked. I have not looked at my creative projects for weeks. My engagement on Hive tanked to an ultimate low, and I am not sure if this trend will stop for the rest of the year. I am waiting on feedback from a couple of projects on the horizon. Maybe a book, a couple of articles, and then lecturing...

And this leads me to the question: Is this really what I have wanted to do with my life? That is an interesting question to ponder. It is best left aside for when you are not tired, overworked, and drained from any creative energy.

Because if you even try to think about this question when you are tired and you do not have anything left in your body, the horizon - which is pregnant with opportunity and gifts - becomes a deep dark and scary storm that is anything but inviting.

I have come to accept this fate, we need money, we need experience on our CVs, and we need to be busy every single second of the day - otherwise the always increasing machine will not be satiated. Life is about making yourself relevant to the ever growing neo-liberal-capitalist monster. Trying to "get out" is like committing a crime or trying to take your own life. If you are born into this system, you will die by its rules. Fighting it is like fighting your shadow.

There is some good left, we can still hope to some degree.

Or so I hope - but there is the glimmer of hope we need, in hoping that there is hope, we are allowed to hope.

On the horizon - even if it is stormy and uninviting - there is still hope; for rains bring destruction but also water, rebirth, and regrowth.

I remain forward looking.

P.S. Thank you for all of those who take the time to still read, who engage, and those who have battled the same battles, standing on the other side cheering us on...

All of the musings and writings are my own, albeit coming from a strange dark place. The photographs are my own, taken with my Nikon D300 camera.

#life #struggles #diary #work #overworked #alive #breathing #philosophy #blog

last month in #academia by fermentedphil

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shanibeer last month

Completely with you on the marking of exam papers, what an utterly soul destroying job. I felt nothing but sympathy for my lecturers who faced, as well, the challenge that the majority of their students spoke English as a second language. Trying to unravel meaning about complex themes from imperfect English must have increased the burden considerably.

We have challenges in academia in the UK, too. Many jobs are being cut and many more are very insecure. There are numerous challenges but one of them is that English universities have relied on income from foreign students (something like 98% of students on my master's course were not from England): it's highly competitive as a global market and the UK government keeps shooting itself in the foot by introducing immigration policies that undermine potential income.

Regarding working for The Man: yes, a life-long struggle but not insurmountable. You're trashed now, of course you are, and still with the pressures of securing money to live. Be kind to yourself (you have done and are doing your best), remind yourself that this is for now, and this is how you are feeling now, jettison anything you can where your time and attention is not immediately necessary (you can come back to it later), and focus on what must be done now.

Writing here I think is good - good for the soul to get it outside your head - and potentially to find support and ways forward. You mention the support of your family, which is critical, and you clearly have networks, because you mention other potential opportunities. Building your networks, strengthening the connections you have and making new, so called weaker, connections are also critical to finding your way out of this, both surviving economically and moving into a space where you feel you have more agency (I won't get into talking about revolution) 😂.

Some years ago, I co-ordinated a study about the value of networks for generating wealth (which can come in many forms, including income). Our own local study over two years demonstrated that the most frequent participants in a network secured between 2 and 4 times as much work as more casual participants. There are a lot of other studies that demonstrate similar results in many varied situations.

You might enjoy reading The strength of weak ties which talks about the work of Mark Granovetter, and Structural Holes by Ron Burt, I used ideas from both extensively in my work with some success, especially in my current role.

I hope this helps, and remember to take a walk in nature and generally to look after yourself 🤗.

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fermentedphil last month

Trying to unravel meaning about complex themes from imperfect English

This is such an interesting thing which not a lot of (or enough) people talk about. I see it play out in two ways in my life: (i) the papers I am marking are almost entirely from people who only speak English as a second or third language, and (ii) English is also my second language and I am still not 100% convinced that my English close to good enough to judge others' use of it. But what is worrying, and which I struggle with as well, is that complex ideas from one's own language cannot always be translated, so using English as a medium for us who only use it as a second language is so unfair in terms of knowledge and its transferring (from one mind to another). Already here is a problem. In my home language we would say "kennis oordra", and translating that to English can be knowledge transference, but the latter word is loaded with other meanings in English as well.

Many jobs are being cut

This is our main issue in South Africa as I see it. Or well, not enough new jobs are being created. When I started studying, we were about 400 first year students. Now, the first year group is about 800 students. How many new lecturers have the appointed in that period (about 10 years)? None, plus I think our department has shrunk a bit. So less teaching and marking staff, less budget, but two times the amount of students. I think some of the South African universities have the worst student to lecturer ratios. It is really bad, but other universities at least try to keep it lower.

remind yourself that this is for now

Thank you so much. For sure, in the moment everything feels so much worse. And as I said in the post, I am by far not unique, in fact, I think and I know about other postgraduate students who have it worse than I have. More marking, more work, and no where close to the compensation that I get. I guess I feel it worse because I lived under a rock, but that is all on me and not on the system.

Writing here I think is good - good for the soul

For sure! And that is what I really loved about this place, is just to get my thoughts out there. To "take a break" if you will through the process of writing. But recently with everyone talking about engagement and so on, I really feel bad for posting and not replying. My engagement really hit an ultimate low, and I feel strange about posting stuff and not responding. So I really try to post only when I have a small window of time in which I can also comment a bit.

I hope this helps

Thank you so much. And I can really confirm, that networks and having that "safety net" to fall back on is crucial and essential. And thank you so much for the sources! That is something I really work on as well, from African philosophical perspectives. There is a lot of work on Ubuntu and the social network it creates, and how this can be worked into especially dialogue and getting us to "talk" to others and thus building those networks.

Anyways, sorry this wall of text as a reply on your wall of text! I hope that you are also well, taking care of yourself, and walking in nature! Keep well, and thanks for the wonderful reply.

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shanibeer last month

💪

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jane911x last month (edited)

And this leads me to the question: Is this really what I have wanted to do with my life?

I think id asked this question alot to myself too. And my answer is NO. Sometimes, we do what we do because we have to make a means to an end. I know we're fortunate to be able to get such job, but im still hoping we'd get to do what we truly want in the future. And we will. Wishing you all the best :)

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fermentedphil last month

Thank you so much. It is so difficult because we don’t always have the luxury to choose what we want to do with our lives. In academia where I live you are employed as a lecturer meaning you will mainly give classes. But you are expected to do research as well but you are not paid for that part. So finding time is difficult. And I aim for research as this is where my passion is. But to be able to do research you need to be an employed lecturer. Struggles! Thanks again.

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melibee last month

You can actually get out tho

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fermentedphil last month

We all have that dream. Do you have any tips?

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melibee last month

I'm nobody to be giving advice. It sounds like you are on a great track. I'm living a wild gamble. You are building something stable. I want your advice.

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fermentedphil 25 days ago

At this stage, it does not feel stable yet! Still jumping from contract to contract.

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melibee 23 days ago

You'll get there.

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fotostef last month (edited)

I tried, many years ago, to "get out", as you so nicely put it and you know what I understood that you need the most, in order to have a chance?

Money, lots of them!

Which, of course, leads to a paradox. Something like chasing your own tail. But you are right. There is hope. And the younger you are, the stronger it should be. Don't give up and before you know it, you'll be packing your suitcases for a dreamy trip :)

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fermentedphil last month

Thank you so much, and that is so true. One can really get out of it, and hold onto hope (not delusional or false hope). But what you also said, and which I really did not want to say in the post, was exactly that. Getting "out" is definitely linked to one's socioeconomic status. Sadly so. I would have loved to only garden, grow my own food, and so on, but buying land big enough to do this in my country as I am sure all around the globe is beyond most people's grasp/fingertips.

But as you said, there might be a dreamy trip waiting around the corner! (P.S. thank you for the mail, I will respond soon!)

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