I'm back at reading my favorite diary again, that one by Marcus Aurelius. His thoughts always make me think. This time about praise. He uses the metaphor of beauty, but I think he's really talking about the condition of oneself, when becoming accomplished in the stoic way.
Everything which is in any way beautiful is beautiful in itself, and terminates in itself, not having praise as part of itself. Neither worse then nor better is a thing made by being praised. I affirm this also of the things which are called beautiful by the vulgar, for example, material things and works of art. That which is really beautiful has no need of anything; not more than law, not more than truth, not more than benevolence or modesty. Which of these things is beautiful because it is praised, or spoiled by being blamed? Is such a thing as an emerald made worse than it was, if it is not praised? or gold, ivory, purple, a lyre, a little knife, a flower, a shrub?
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 4 Chapter 20
This one struck me. There’s so much too it. The religious part – if a good is perfect and accomplished, he does not need the praise of us who are not. The parenting part – how much praise is healthy for the self-esteem, when does it turn into addiction. The self-development part – how much do I really enjoy praise.
Not as much.
I remember when I would glow up in smiles when someone sang my praise, or shyly look away, but feel so good about it. But the deeper I dug inside myself, the more superficial all of that became. Yes, of course, it’s still good to be recognized. Yet most people I know only see the good I’m doing that is in front of their eyes. They don’t see the bigger part, those that are currently important to me. It’s hard to connect with that praise, as it’s merely a side effect of the deeper issues that I’m constantly working on. My psychologist can give me that praise. My best friends, too, those I talk about in the deep issues. My girlfriend.
The further you get, the fewer there are to see you.
When my best friend tells me how proud he is of me, specifically because all my personal progress is showing in the way that I’m handling Lily being taken away again and how over the years I improved in how I react to the mother – that still means something. He knows the details, he knows the struggles I’ve been through, he was there (in mind, he lives on the other side of the globe). Most people around me don’t. Which is fine, too. They can’t know.
Not everybody should be that important.
Who influences children the most? The parents, if they’re present. Parenting is a constant balancing of praise and reprimanding. But it’s not the same as with myself. I’m a grown-up, mentally developed and aware person, striving to be the one that Marcus Aurelius describes – not out of arrogance, but out of accomplishment and self-esteem. A kid is the absolute opposite, and maybe many adults are, too. They just started developing and don’t know society yet. They have to learn their way around, learn and absorb the values that society around them holds dear.
They have to grow a lot.
We all can still grow, no matter what state we’re in, that’s for sure. I’m still growing. But my base is set, and I can grow in a healthy way – and reconsider if I’m mistaken. That won’t affect my base, my principles, my values. Just my actions would change.
At least that’s the hope there.
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