I live naked and barefooted, very close to Earth and Nature, in an 18-acre, off-grid, clothing-optional, food-forest intentional community (GaiaYoga Gardens), way out in the jungles of Lower Puna, far East Big Island, Hawai'i, and I have for more than 6 years now. Although there are many challenges, I love my life, and I'm immensely grateful to live where and how I do, on my own terms! I would not want to live any other way! 😁🙏💚⚡💥🔥✴️✳️❇️👣🌱✨🤙
Warm greetings all! 😁🙏💚✨🤙
I don't really know how to begin this post. I still have some quite significant things to heal within myself, which I've mostly sidelined to effectively stay focused on my purpose, mission, and goals, but as of late what is not healed has been bubbling up again in my face, to my intense chagrin. It's kind of ridiculous, because I know that this is what is supposed to happen, so that these painful fragmented parts of my consciousness can be addressed, healed, and reintegrated back into wholeness. The problem is that, given how deep and multifaceted these wounds are, and the state of my life now, I don't really know how to even begin to heal them.
My deepest core wound has always been my great challenges in my connections and relationships with women and the feminine, which ironically is also directly connected to the sessions that I give women, and the gift that I have with women to help them heal themselves. At this point, I've basically accepted that I'm most likely going to remain alone and solitary for the rest of this life, and yet that idea still causes me a great deal of mental and emotional pain. To maintain my effectiveness and effiency in what I'm building and growing on Hive, and my general functionality in daily life, I do my best to not focus on that pain, but rather on my goals and tasks, both online and off. It's not easy, but I usually manage.
In the past few weeks, however, I've found it increasingly difficult to ignore these wounded parts of myself, and to keep them at bay, and mostly out of my mind. I feel like it would honestly take a miracle for me to ever be in an intimate long-term relationship with a woman again, which is deeply sad, and actually quite horrific for me. There are just so many interlocking and intertwined parts to all this that make it appear very accurate and true indeed. So much so, that I find it exceedingly challenging to even mention or discuss with anyone.
So this post is an attempt, no matter how clumsy, to in some way gain greater clarity on exactly what these various aspects actually are, and why I'm seemingly so dead-set on holding this desolate perspective, so please forgive me if I ramble. Healing is rarely neat and tidy, and given how little free time I have much of the time, this post is one of my rare opportunities, which I'm doing my best to take.
Why am I so sure that I'm going to be alone and solitary the rest of my life? Let's see if I am able to put this to words in any clear and intelligible way. First and foremost, I feel like the end of my last long-term imtimate relationship (3 years ago at the end of this month), with Kai, broke me, because something very significant shifted soon after it happened. All the love and devotion that I had for her, which in the end turned out to be misguided and misdirected, was shifted almost entirely to Hive, and together with that to living almost completely purpose driven in my daily experience. Kai never understood or appreciated Hive or what I do here, nor did she care, which hurt a lot, and made me determined never to allow that sort of dynamic to happen again. The second aspect to this is that I don't feel attractive or desirable to any women that I myself find attractive any more (I'm not very impressive physically any longer, and I find mutual attraction to be very rare indeed), because I can't really look in a mirror and see myself as attractive, which means that I don't flirt, play, or put myself out there with woman that I find attractive at all any longer (not that I interact with women all that much outside of sessions anyway now, being the hermit that I've become). The third component is that I've never really found a woman similar to me at all, where we simply flow easefully and elegantly with each other, who wants to live as I do, and who shares my multifaceted passions, purposes, inclinations, predilections, and proclivities (I'm an exceedingly rare creature it would seem). The fourth aspect is that I encounter very few women who are as aware, and have researched so much as deeply as I have, with so many still being quite brainwashed from my perspective, and I simply refuse to engage with that. The fifth part of this is that, well, every relationship (in human terms at least) ends, and the deeper the shared resonance, love, and joy, the more it fucks me up when it does end, and given that I need to stay functional at all times, this doesn't work for me. The sixth part is, given that relationship and sexual dynamics between men and women have been weaponized for quite a long time now, on the part of the cultural engineers, and because I don't want to cause anyone harm, I don't really know how to even connect with women any longer, other than friendship, and simply being a safe, dependable, supportive, and healing element in their lives. The seventh aspect is that, well, I honestly don't know if I am able to trust a woman with my heart again. The eighth part of this is that I want a true partner, and not simply a girlfriend or lover. I realize now that due to holding distorted perspectives, I made some poor relationship choices in my life, so I never started a family, so my family line apparently dies out with me (and my brother, who also never had children). OK, that's 'all' that's coming to me at the moment. Now what do I do with it?
Yesterday, Saturday, I left the Flow House, after wrapping up my Hive tasks, around 1:45PM, helping Ano first to unload his truck after his Friday cocoing trip, and then to reload it for the Sunday market the next morning. When I had that done, I took a quick asset-management break up at the Flow House, then I went to go lead a weeding party in the fenced garden next to Kana's place, which was in dire need again. The two of us left toward the end stopped when it started raining, after which I headed back to the other side of the property, to take a shower, make myself some food (spiced-and-seasoned ground beef, eggs, onions, tomatoes, amaranth leaves, pepper jack cheese, and sea salt) in the Landing, and with that in hand, to head back to the Flow House to get into my evening Hive tasks, and to catch up on my notifications. I was able to finish everything up a little before 10:30PM, and after some asset management, and a long scan of my X feed, I went to bed just after 12AM. I woke up a bit after 7:15AM, having thankfully slept well, doing more asset management, going to make my superfood fire coffee in the Landing, then returning to the Flow House to write this post. It's now just before 2PM, so it's an excellent time to wrap this up, so that I may get to my few other important Hive tasks, before leaving the Flow House a little later in the afternoon, to focus first on photography for my posts, and then community/land work. I deeply appreciate y'all so very much! Until my Sunday Weekly Hive Goals and Progress Update tomorrow morning, and the next iteration of these posts tomorrow afternoon! Always forward, onward, upward, and whaleward, ho, together we go! 😁🙏💚✨🤙
2025 Life Goals
1.) Do regular integral practices again, alone or with others.
2.) Prepare regular batches of my medicinal teas collected from the land again.
3.) Make my plant nursery, and the gardens, beautiful again.
4.) Begin learning relevant coding/programming languages to more fully contribute to the sovereignty-driven technologies where I am active, like Arch Linux, Hive, Qortal, DeSo, and Bastyon.
All photos were taken with my Motorola G Play 2024 Android Phone.
Thank you all so much who have helped me get to where I am today, and allowing me to share more of the beauty and magic from my life and my world with you, and for your continuous appreciation and support! I am truly deeply grateful! 😁🙏💚✨🤙
If you'd like to find me on other alternative platforms where I have accounts (I spend most of my time here on Hive), click on this signature image below to go to my LinkTree page.
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Signature image created by @doze, and the dividers made by @thepeakstudio, with all tweaked to their present form by me.
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