Is it Fridays that it hits differently? Or just random? I remember being in the same mood last Friday. Ready to cry at every minute. To punch walls. Diminish people. Give into my dark side. Is it a weekend thing? It might as well seem so. But I’m not a 9-5, I’m one of those fools who employ instead of being employed. I work weekends when I can. If it wasn’t for the rest having days off and be willing to hang out in unusual times, I wouldn’t even notice.
So why every Friday? Maybe because she had a weekend. Being a child and such. No school. Rarely classes. Because we enjoyed as a family, with Ellie, her parents, Kami,) friends of mine. The time with me was always great, even the bad parts. But the best was always watching her interact with other parts of society. It doesn’t matter if she’s an angel with me (which isn’t true, no child is), but how she behaves with others.
And she was really great at that. No matter how your kid behaves at home, the real test is outside. And hearing how well behaved and generous and considerate and clean and lovely your child is, well, that’s just the best to hear as a parent. Never at home, though. Because home is a safe space that should never be violated. At home, they have to feel save to fight and be rude and step over lines and test limits and leave stuff everywhere. It’s a good thing. And of course I have to go against that, order to tidy up the room, yell “excuse me????” when a bad word comes out of the mouth, cancel plans at bad behavior and be an overall tyrant. A predictable tyrant. Clear rules, clear consequences.
She always loved that about me. The structure. The unconditional love in everything I did. She always felt so secure, so herself with me. She said so, in childish words. And she acted like it. And that’s why I believe that she’ll be back sooner than her mom would wish. There’s no more anger left. I let it all go.
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