I live naked and barefooted, very close to Earth and Nature, in an 18-acre, off-grid, clothing-optional, food-forest intentional community (GaiaYoga Gardens), way out in the jungles of Lower Puna, far East Big Island, Hawai'i, and I have for more than 7 years now. Although there are many challenges, I love my life, and I'm immensely grateful to live where and how I do, on my own terms! I would not want to live any other way! 😁🙏💚⚡💥🔥✴️✳️❇️👣🌱✨🤙
Warm greetings all! 😁🙏💚✨🤙
The perspectives and beliefs that we hold are far more important than many people imagine, as they form the foundation upon which the events and experiences of our lives are coalesced into being and expression, often with even small shifts in them causing a cascade of notable changes, realignments, and reorganizations in our lives, even within quite a short period of time. I've personally experienced this multiple times in my life, much to my surprise and astonishment every time.
Our perspectives and beliefs, especially the ones about ourselves and what is or is not possible for us, can be be chains holding us down, or wings that lift us up, ever higher. I'm talking about this today because I'm in the midst of an inner struggle of perpsective, with a less-than-inspiring one having its way at the moment, and even knowing full well the power of belief and perpective, in my mental chains I sit. This harkons back to what I wrote in my post yesterday, about feeling that I'm bouncing back and forth between a far more open, expansive, alive, and vital perspective about myself, and one that is, well, quite...hopeless.
My wounded parts are screaming at me right now, telling me that what I most want is no longer possible for me, and while operating from within this perspective, I'm honestly unable to see or feel a way through or past this seemingly undeniable truth, so in shame and embarrassment, I shut down and withdraw from the people around me once again, keeping myself focused in my own lonely yet meaningful activities and endeavors, both online and off. I know it doesn't have to be this way, but...yeah, I have no clue about how some very important things, like close, intimate, resonant and fulfilling long-term relationships and partnerships, are possible at all any more. I can't see or feel any means for them to be made real in my life experience again.
I've got to say that in terms of women that I find attractive, my auto-self-rejection is pretty bloody intense and immediate. I just assume that any woman to whom I feel attracted and drawn is very much not attracted to me, so I never initiate, approach, or engage at all any more. Mutual attraction for me is exceedingly rare, and that's not even talking about actually aligned, complementary compatibility, which is at a mythical level of rarity. That's pretty sad and depressing, I absolutely agree, but I don't know how to change it. Or rather, I do know how, but there are wounded parts of me that make me very unwilling to do it. Also, making it necessary for women to approach and initiate with me, to compensate for my wounded and partially-broken masculine, is just a horrible way to begin.
I really didn't expect to be expressing all of this here today, and I would have really far preferred not to have done so, but that's what's real right now. I apologize for this post not being inspiring or motivating. I use these posts exactly like a daily journal, where I put my thoughts and feeling to words, to help me see and understand things more clearly, so some aren't going to be pretty. I've certainly got a bit of work still to do with my beliefs and perspective about myself, that's for damn sure, and oh yes, I do also still need to fully heal my broken heart. One day at a time. The one benefit to not having any close, intimate relationships over most of the past 4 years is that I've had, and I still have, so much time for Hive and the We Are Alive Tribe, and now Blurt too, since I'm able to stay focused for long periods. Silver linings, as the saying goes. Is what I most want possible for me at this point in my life? Good question. I know a whole lot of it depends on me, which is what worries me more than a little.
Yesterday, Monday, I left the Flow House, after finishing up my Hive tasks, a little after 1:30PM, giving my attention first to some photography for my posts, but with the photographic conditions being far from ideal, I focused on work tasks first. My first order of operation was to chop and dump bad/used coconuts at the upper coco bar, and to tidy up the area a bit. As I was chopping, Chelsea asked me if I could devote a little time to helping her to access the files on her MacOS-formatted external hard drive (she had asked me earlier in the week), since her Mac had died a while ago. Upon finishing with the coco bar, I headed to the Flow House to do some quick research on accessing Mac filesystems under Linux, and to look up a replacement hinge for a ladder. Very thankfully her hard drive was formatted in an older Mac filesytem, which meant that my Arch Linux installation successfully recognized the file system immediately, and was able to mount it, without any further effort, which was an excellent surprise. After assisting Chelsea, I got an o-o bar and a shovel, and I dug 5 holes for new banana plants near the Bali Hut, sometimes with great effort due to all the lava rocks in the soil. When I finally had that done, I reburied an ethernet conduit that goes across a trail near Power Sharing, after wild pigs had unearthed it. With that completed, I took a shower, then stopped by the Landing to collect my jar of leftover superfood fire coffee from the fridge, and I made my way back to the Flow House, to finally write and publish my quite-late My 176th Sunday Weekly Hive Goals and Progress Update: A Late Report, 72 Reputation Achieved, and 14,100 HP This Week!, and the to begin my usual evening Hive tasks, and to catch up on my notifications. I got everything done by just after 10PM, and after some asset management, I went to bed just before 11PM. I woke up waaayyy too early, around 3:30AM, and unable to sleep, I did a little asset management, before giving sleep another mostly-unsuccessful try. I finally got up just before 6AM, still feeling that I needed more sleep, doing more asset management, going to make my superfood fire coffee in the Landing, then returning to the Flow House to write this post. It's now just before 1PM, so it's an excellent time to wrap this up, so that I may get to my other few important Hive tasks, before leaving the Flow House a little later in the afternoon, to focus first on photography for my posts, straining and blending coconut kefir, collecting coconut water and coconut meat from several younger coconuts to start another round of kefir fermentation, and then community/land work. I deeply appreciate y'all so very much! Until tomorrow's edition of these posts! Always forward, onward, upward, and whaleward, ho, together we go! 😁🙏💚✨🤙
2025 Life Goals
1.) Do regular integral practices again, alone or with others.
2.) Prepare regular batches of my medicinal teas collected from the land again.
3.) Make my plant nursery, and the gardens, beautiful again.
4.) Begin learning relevant coding/programming languages to more fully contribute to the sovereignty-driven technologies where I am active, like Arch Linux, Hive, Qortal, DeSo, and Bastyon.
All photos were taken with my Motorola G Play 2024 Android Phone.
Thank you all so much who have helped me get to where I am today, and allowing me to share more of the beauty and magic from my life and my world with you, and for your continuous appreciation and support! I am truly deeply grateful! 😁🙏💚✨🤙
If you'd like to find me on other alternative platforms where I have accounts (I spend most of my time here on Hive), click on this signature image below to go to my LinkTree page.
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Signature image created by @doze, and the dividers made by @thepeakstudio, with all tweaked to their present form by me.
