If you have assumed any character beyond your strength, you have both demeaned yourself ill in that and quitted one which you might have supported.
Epictetus, The Enchiridion, XXXVII
What do you make of this? It’s one of the shortest chapters in the Enchiridion. And, as so many chapters can be applied in many ways. Basically, it’s a smarter way of saying “Don’t bite off more than you can chew.”
Slightly more threatening.
The consequences of biting off too much are generally food falling out of the mouth, maybe coughing a little, in the worst but rare case choking. And yes, of course it’s a metaphor. But if we apply it on the character, what can it cause? Is it so bad? Most likely:
Unhappiness.
Trying to be something that one is not ready to be will lead to that. It’s a constant failing, over and over. Living a lie. Pretending to be something that is not real. None of that can lead to profound happiness in my opinion. I was there, for quite a while, and it didn’t only bring me unhappiness but others that relied on me to be honest, to live up to my words. I assumed a character that was just not me. Not even for my own’s sake, but because I wanted to be that person to someone else.
Always a bad idea.
The change we want to make on ourselves has to be for ourselves. Others can help us stay motivated, but we have to be convinces that it’s the best for ourselves, not our children, not our spouses. If we do it for them, it’s again pretending. Because what happens if they’re suddenly gone? Another example extensively used in the Enchiridion is one’s family being taken. And how that should not affect us in a stoic mindset (logically sound, but realistically flawed). No, in order to change for the better, we have to want it for ourselves first, and then the rest. We have to be convinced of it to even have a chance.
And then: Step by step.
We can have an ideal state in mind, of course, and work towards it. The important part is not to take steps that are too big, but make constant progress through repetition. Says the martial artist. Start with the foundation, make it strong, and then build on top of it. It’ll take time to achieve true change for most things. Some people are better at it than others. Depending on the subject and willpower. Quitting and addiction is not the same as ironing out moral incoherences. External and internal. And so on.
But what if it’s too much?
I asked myself that these days. What if my action in the case of my daughter is trying to be someone that I’m not? Trying to be more moral than I am, and in the end, it’s again incoherent and hurting myself and her. Given the history, more drastic measures would be absolutely justifiable if not necessary – that’s what friends told me, and even people that don’t like me too much. And yet here I am, steering straight, trying hard not to waiver. And it’s taking a toll. My energy is running lower and lower. It’s hard to stay focuses, I’m retracting from the world around me, from my friends, turning inward again.
Why not give in?
“I’ve resisted as much as I could,” I would say, and everybody would be like “Buddy you’ve gone far and beyond.” Yet I can’t honestly say that. I’d feel like being Clamence in “The Fall” by Camus, beating myself up so nobody could judge me. Judge-Penitent. It’s an escape from moral responsibility. And I know that I can endure more. And I know that Lily is okay. In the end, it would be an excuse, not a reason.
I can support it.
And I will. And I’ll grow with it, and then go for the next step. It’s an exercise of a way. Use the weight you can sustain. Train with it. Put on a little more weight. Train. A little more. Train. And so on. There is a limit to what a body can endure, as well as a mind. Most are born and live far away from that limit, but we can train to reach it.
Bit and chew.
What are your thoughts about this topic? Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics. I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI, as well as read your own experience and point of view, I love to learn!
Pictures taken with a Motorola Edge 60 Pro, I reserve the copyright - but feel free to ask if you want to use one of the pictures!