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RE: Biting myself.

in Reflectionsyesterday (edited)

Thank you for the Hive World Cup 2026 Kicktipp prize payout.

This text reminded me of my own marriage. When I met my wife, everything felt simple. After we got married and had our first child, I began hearing things like, "What will people think?" or "Why can't you just go with the flow?" I have always been the kind of person who says what he thinks, even if it means rubbing people the wrong way. My wife, on the other hand, pays much more attention to appearances and to how things are perceived by others.

From a stoic point of view, one could argue that one of us should have had to give up part of our character. In reality, the opposite happened. After 38 years together, we are still very different people. We have simply learned not to turn the other person into a better version of ourselves.

I believe that many of the changes we make in life are not made solely for ourselves. Sometimes we change because of love, out of respect, or because another person truly matters to us. That is not necessarily the same as adopting a false character. It only becomes a problem when we lose ourselves in the process.

Today, a single glance into my wife's eyes is often enough for me to know what she is thinking—and, most of the time, she knows exactly what is going on in my mind as well. Perhaps a good life is not about never compromising. Perhaps it is about knowing which parts of our character are non-negotiable and which parts are allowed to grow when we choose to walk through life together.

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Thank you for that great comment! (@topcomment might want to check it out)

Honestly, I would say that you are fully living the stoic perspective in your relationships. It's not about giving up your own character, but working on it, improving it, and as you say - not losing it ever. We can't control the other part, the other people.

Your comment made me curious about how stoicism views "love", I never got much into that part. I'll think about what I read and will try to set it into relation to it, if I can't find anything written - besides "don't be attached!"

I do believe that we need other people to change. We have to have motivation, and becoming a better person is incredibly hard, especially when we're within a shell of ego. Loving other people can break that, make us aware of our flaws and most importantly make us want to be better. That's what I tried to emphasize - we have to want it, we have to want to become better because of "better". The rest can come from the outside, but without believing that it's "better" for us, too, I don't think it'll work. That's when we lose ourselves.

I still compromise a lot, I believe it's very important. But I have set limits that I keep a close eye on. Going too far will help nobody, so I try to uphold my boundaries, as a part of who I am.

The goal is what you have - an honest and respectful relationship, full of love of the other as the person they are, with ample possibility to grow together.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I like your distinction between changing because something is truly better for us and changing simply to please others.

Your comment about stoicism and love made me smile. My first thought was that the ancient Stoics probably didn't spend 38 years looking into the same pair of eyes every day. Their advice not to become too attached is certainly wise in some ways, but it also feels a little incomplete to me.

Love inevitably makes us vulnerable. The moment we truly love someone, we accept that part of our happiness is tied to another human being. From a purely rational point of view, that may not sound very stoic, but it is deeply human.

I also believe that other people help us discover what "better" actually means. Without my wife, I would certainly be a different person today—and I doubt I would be a better one. She did not change me into someone else. She simply helped me see my own blind spots, and I hope I have done the same for her.

Perhaps that is one definition of love after almost four decades together: helping each other become more of who we really are, not less.

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