Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I like your distinction between changing because something is truly better for us and changing simply to please others.

Your comment about stoicism and love made me smile. My first thought was that the ancient Stoics probably didn't spend 38 years looking into the same pair of eyes every day. Their advice not to become too attached is certainly wise in some ways, but it also feels a little incomplete to me.

Love inevitably makes us vulnerable. The moment we truly love someone, we accept that part of our happiness is tied to another human being. From a purely rational point of view, that may not sound very stoic, but it is deeply human.

I also believe that other people help us discover what "better" actually means. Without my wife, I would certainly be a different person today—and I doubt I would be a better one. She did not change me into someone else. She simply helped me see my own blind spots, and I hope I have done the same for her.

Perhaps that is one definition of love after almost four decades together: helping each other become more of who we really are, not less.